8 Ways to Handle Holiday Disagreements

Family celebrations at the holidays can be a source of stress for many reasons.

“For adults, especially those that are parents, you straddle this line between being a parent and an adult in your own home. But then around the holidays, you come back to your family of origin, where you are still kind of pulled back into being a child. So you're dancing this line where there's certain amount of respect that you want to have, and you want everything to be just right,” says Greg Nawalanic, PsyD, a health system psychologist.

This stress and anxiety can be especially heightened following an election year where family members may have different, or opposing, opinions and ideologies. To help prepare for these holiday interactions, Dr. Nawalanic and psychologist Jessica Hamilton, PhD, have some tips.

Family holidays take a lot of planning. What’s on the menu? What’s everyone bringing? It’s OK to also decide on topics you would rather not discuss in advance.

“You can attempt to set a boundary with the family and have that education and commentary beforehand,” says Dr. Hamilton. “But I think that you can only set boundaries with yourself. You can decide: I don't have to participate in those conversations. If I don't want to, I can excuse myself.”

Key to that is having backup plans for yourself. That could be having a designated person you can call to vent with. You could brainstorm alternative topics to interject and change the conversation. You can plan games to have people play that will keep them busy. Or just take a walk or get some other form of exercise.

Both doctors agree that it is important to manage substances, like alcohol, around the holidays.

“Wine is not adaptive coping,” says Dr. Nawalanic. Alcohol can be more likely to escalate our emotions and can turn an otherwise rational conversation into an argument.

“Hanger is a real thing,” says Dr. Nawalanic. “Eat a little snack before so you're not really hungry.”

Just like skipping alcohol, making sure you aren’t overly hungry will help ensure you have a clear head and better control of your emotions.

When we get upset or angry, the prefrontal cortex of our brain goes offline. Then we lose the abilities of emotion regulation, impulse control, delayed gratification and linking behaviors with consequences. The solution? Breathing.

“The way to get that back on board is take a good deep breath, diaphragmatic breathing, where your belly goes out,” says Dr. Nawalanic. “That lets you know you're getting a good, oxygenated breath. Hold your breath for a 4 or 5 count then slowly exhale. So anytime somebody says something that triggers you to feel that, just take a deep breath before you respond.”

Treat off-limit topics like a swear jar. Or, as in Dr. Nawalanic’s suggestion, your own personal Turkey Trot.

“Institute a rule that if somebody wants to bring up politics, everybody says ‘Turkey,’ and then they have to literally run a lap around the house or around the block,” says Dr. Nawalanic. “That’s going to let them calm down because they're going to get away from the situation. And it's kind of funny.”

Dr. Hamilton encourages us to remember that relationships are fluid. It’s OK to step away for a little while or take a break.

“I think it comes back to refocusing and saying, this isn't about politics necessarily. It's about your values. Are your interactions filling your cup up? Are you having a rewarding relationship with that person or is it taking away from you?” asks Dr. Hamilton. “So it may be that you need to take a step away, but don't close the door, because in 6 months or 2 years, perspectives change, our views can change and the value of family can change too.”

Consider what is most important to you when spending time with family for the holiday. Is it important to get people to agree with you? Do you need to win an argument? Or is it important to enjoy this moment in time? Dr. Nawalanic encourages taking a broader perspective.

“The most valuable part of the holiday is looking around the table and seeing everybody there exactly as they are this year, because they will never be that way again,” he says. “Kids are going to get older. Grandparents may not be with us next year. You never know.”